3/1/2019 rice paddies

i went to school once this week. i feel shitty, but not terrible. february was a difficult month altogether. my therapist and i decided it was a good idea to figure out how many credits i need to finished high school, so i need to ask my teacher about that. i think it will sting at first, but i hope as i get more credits it will motivate me to keep going.

ive been super depressed and melancholy, thinking about the past and the future. my dad and i have been watching mushi-shi. i love it, but its weird to watch when i am in this mood. i dreamt about being an immortal being that worked in the rice paddies of a village. i enjoyed simple things, like the feeling of working in the water, and i watched the sunsets every day. despite being inhuman, the people in the village befriended me and enjoyed spending time with me. i helped protect the village from malevolent spirits in turn. the dream was funny to me because i dont like farming, i dont even like rice. it was still a lovely dream, and i keep thinking about it.

my friend 🍣 has also been upset lately. i feel bad i havent been there to console him, although i dont think theres anything i could say to help. hes a lot more ambitious than i am, and doesnt like where he is in life right now. he has a lot he wants to do, and a lot of potential. he keeps talking about leaving, moving forward with his life. i hate that gut feeling of sadness when he says that, even though i know i cant really help it. hes really the only person i really hang out with right now. regardless, having him be happy and accomplish those things still matters more to me.

i want to go out and do something nice, soon. hopefully i can bring 🍣 with, and i hope it will make him feel at least a little better. i also want to do more witchcraft. i have nice jars now, so i wanna use them. i just looked back over my new years tarot reading, and while january didnt seem very accurate, february was. i was really depressed, but also inspired, and came up with some new ideas i want to bring to fruition.

also, ive been thinking about snails.